Steve panted heavily trembling in anticipation before Bucky buried inside him once more when Bucky deliberately stopped smirking at Steve´s flustered face and lecherous panting relishing on the scene. He still couldn´t believe Steve had been so eager; so hungry for his touch. He had planned to take things slow; to give Steve time to recover after his terrible ordeal at Hydra´s hands but Steve wouldn´t even hear of it. The moment Jarvis had cleared him from any major-medical issues he had refused to stay in the infirmary. He grinned at the memory.
Earlier that morning Loki and himself had been waiting side by side outside the main medical lab on the infirmary level, silently looking through the glass window while Clint and Tony draw some blood from Steve and instructed Jarvis to run every existing medical diagnosis on their friend.
“He looks so uncomfortable.” Loki volunteered cunningly observing Steve´s demeanor while he waited somewhat patiently for his test results.
“He hates it.” Bucky agreed pensively. “He always have …”
Loki looked up at him quizzingly; feeling his gaze upon him Bucky turn to face him an elaborated. “You would have had to know him before the serum to understand … “He turned his attention to Steve. “He used to be sick most of the time … “Bucky recalled with a frown as he watched Steve´s upset scowl. “I swear if he even sneezed … my heart skipped a beat. Hell, probably her mother´s did too! And we could see it in his eyes, every time he was bedridden; he hated it so much. Being sick, the doctors, feeling weak … making us worry …”
“You truly love him don´t you?” Loki asked openly while assessing Bucky´s every gesture as he talked about Steve.
Bucky smirked as he looked down; a faint blush appearing on his cheeks. “Yes … I always have.”
“He´s been heartbroken for too long, do you realize that?” Loki admitted disquiet with a worried frown as he stared directly into his eyes. It wasn’t as much as what Steve had told him a little more than a week ago when he thought Bucky was lost forever to him, but what he hadn´t that troubled him deeply. And on top of that … Hydra, they had more than enough time to screw with his mind.
Bucky held Loki´s stare; feeling both surprised and concerned about his sudden change of attitude towards him. He was right though; until now he hadn´t even had any time to consider how his supposed death would have affected Steve; he had just begun to wonder if it had anything to do with him crashing Hydra´s plane in the Artic all those years ago. The though alone scared him. “I …” He struggled to find an answer he knew he didn´t had.
“Just … be gentle with him.” Loki requested with a worried sigh. He´d been there; he knew that even if everything seemed to be all right for everyone else, it didn´t meant that it felt that way for Steve. He had been an emotional wreck even before Bucky walked back into his life unexpectedly.
“I … I will.” Bucky agreed; still puzzled by Loki´s change of heart he asked him. “Loki, why are you telling me this? I thought … you didn´t liked me.”
“I don´t.” Loki admitted wryly. “But that doesn´t matter right now …” He frowned upset. “I hate to say this, but I think you are exactly what Steve needs right now.” Changing his stare for a more feral one he warned him. “Don’t make me regret this; cause … if you ever hurt him I swear …” He knew he didn´t needed to end his phrase Bucky understood precisely what he meant.
“I would never hurt him …” Bucky stated firmly before down casting his gaze downhearted; that wasn´t entirely truth. “Not willingly … at least.” He couldn’t forget he had, even if Steve pretended it hadn´t happened; he knew.
“I hope so.” Loki acknowledged sternly; changing his tone for an even gravely one he asked. “Did Natasha told you about the deprogramming?”
“Yes.” Bucky admitted plainly before heavily adding. “I have to leave the day after tomorrow.” It had taken all of Clint and Natasha´s convincing to persuade Fury to let him stay that long in the Mansion unguarded. His attention was drawn back to Steve who now argued heatedly with Tony and Clint over the results. “She doesn´t know how long it will take to … get rid of ….” He grunted conflicted. “Whatever they put inside my head. It could be weeks … there is no way of knowing.” He scowled stricken.
“Have you told him?” Loki asked without taking his eyes of the scene playing in the lab.
“No.” Bucky acknowledged in a gloomy mood. “I don´t know how he´ll take it.” He wished they had more time; it was too soon. He wasn´t ready.
“He won´t like it.” Loki volunteered darkly.
“I know.” Bucky admitted heavily. “He´ll probably insist on tagging along; but … I can´t let him do that. I have to do this on my own. If I had a relapse and something happened to him … again. I wouldn´t be able to forgive myself.”
A long silence prevailed as both men watched their loved ones absentmindedly through the glass; each lost in their own thoughts.
“Could you …?” Bucky broke the silence first.
“Keep an eye on him?” Loki ended his question for him. “You don’t even need to ask.”
“Thanks.” Bucky thanked him relieved. Although … something bothered him; without any warning, he asked. “Did you and Steve …?”
Loki laughed amused by his question. It seemed Tony wasn’t the only jealous boyfriend around. “No …” He interrupted him while nodding his head in denial. “We never …. we are just friends. Good friends.” As far as he was concerned Bucky didn´t needed to know; and he was quite sure Steve would feel the same way. A lie for a lie.
“Are you sure?” Because … I got the impression …” Bucky questioned him again. There was too much familiarity between the two of them.
“I am sure Barnes.” Loki reassured him sternly. “And I would advise you to refrain from mentioning any of this in front of Tony … for everyone’s sakes.”
Bucky frowned upset by Loki´s last statement. He looked at him quizzingly; it was clear Loki wasn´t telling him everything. Did he really needed to know? Maybe not.
Fortunately, before either of them could say another word the door opened.
“How is he?” Loki asked first echoed by Bucky´s own question.
“Stubborn…” Tony wryly complained scowling at Steve, who just gave a displeased grunt before snapping back at him. “I said I feel fine.”
“That´s not what Jarvis results say.” Clint reminded him harshly.
“God dammit!” Steve spat irked. “I don’t care what the results say! I feel fine! I´m not staying in the infirmary!”
“I don´t give a damn about what you think Steve! “Clint scolded him annoyed. “You don’t have to stay in the infirmary but you are grounded until all your blood test come out normal. And you still have to pass the mandatory psychological examination. You are under direct orders not to leave the mansion; and I don´t care if a mission comes up, you will stay here and follow Jarvis indications!”
“For goodness sake it´s just a mild anemia!” Steve raised his voice irritated. “Jarvis even admitted it´s a borderline diagnosis.”
“Wait … he´s anemic?” Bucky intervened worryingly. How much blood had he lost for that to happen?
“Jarvis says it´s only temporary.” Steve offered still pouting; that worried look on Bucky´s eyes, it brought back unwelcome memories. He still hadn´t recuperated from the major blood loss due to his stabs wounds when Hydra had captured him. His healing factor had prevented any major issues due to their tortures; but he hadn´t recovered yet.
“Nevertheless you need to rest.” Tony adamantly informed him.
“I don´t …” Steve started to protest again when Loki interrupted him.
“Do we have a mission?” He asked Clint annoyed looking at him sternly with his arms crossed.
“No, we don´t.” Clint acknowledge. “But if …”
Loki interrupted him asking Steve with the same irked tone. “Do you have to go somewhere urgently?”
“No, but ….” Steve answered swiftly. But what if …?
“So, you three have been arguing about nothing for over ten minutes?” Loki asked more angry than baffled.
“Umh” “Well ….” “Yes …” The three men muttered embarrassed. Put out like that it sounded stupid.
“Now that we have establish that.” Loki told them. “What did Jarvis recommended for dealing with the anemia?”
“Rest, food, liquids, some iron supplements …” Tony swiftly informed him. “Steve´s system should do the rest.”
“All right. I´m sure Barnes here will make sure Steve follows those recommendations to the letter.” Loki informed them firmly while giving Bucky an equally stern look. Bucky quickly voiced his agreement.
Steve was about to protest about it when Loki turned his attention to him. “You had two near death experiences within three days. The least you could do for everyone´s peace of mind is to stay put until Jarvis says you are fine.” Steve opened his mouth but before he could say anything Loki scolded him. “And don´t even think for one second that either me or Natasha have forgotten about your broken promises. You owe us.”
Steve down casted his eyes frowning upset; Loki´s last remark had hit a nerve. “All right.” He sighed defeated. He had been the sole source of everyone´s concerns lately; he couldn´t even begin to express how much he hated that.
As they made love it became clear why Steve had dragged his feet about getting into the elevator; he wanted to make sure they were alone.
Trembling nervously, Steve gathered his nerves and clumsily asked. “Bucky …uhm …” He bit his lip apprehensively; struggling to say the right words.
Bucky remembered looking at him questioningly; intrigued by his sudden shyness.
Steve scratched his nape nervously; still working up his courage. “When … you said that … we could do more than talk ….” He turned his gaze to him … expectantly.
Bucky hadn´t expected that question; specially not after all that talk about him needing to rest. He just frown surprised for a couple of seconds before he answered. “I … think you should get your strength back first … before we … you know …” Was that the whole reason about Steve being so strong-headed earlier?
Steve down casted his gaze abashed “I … I don´t want to wait.” He stated anxiously.
“Steve I …” Bucky tried to convince him once more when Steve interrupted him.
“Back then … I waited too long … and then … you were gone. I don’t want to make that mistake again. If there´s something I´ve learn through the years is that we could all die tomorrow … and … I …” He hesitated before adding in a pleading tone. “I feel fine … really Bucky.”
Bucky sighed knowing he wouldn´t be able to deny him for long; specially not after an argument like that. And even less when he looked so needy. “Those were different times Steve. Even if you had say something …” He would´ve rejected him back then, even if that meant breaking both their hearts … it was too risky, especially for Steve. He caressed Steve´s cheek gently allowing his fingers to slide softly as they traced Steve´s mouth. Steve closed his eyes shivering eagerly as he felt Bucky closing in.
Bucky smiled sadly beholding Steve yearning expression; he was going to miss him so much. Making up his mind he whispered in Steve´s ear. “Why don´t you show me your room?”
Steve gasped at his answer, rowdy opening his eyes to look at Bucky. He had the biggest grin on his face. “I … yes …yes …” He already looked flustered.
Bucky smile grew even wider as he nodded his head in disbelief. “Anyone that saw you would think that it is your first time ever.”
Steve down casted his gaze frowning; tilting his head he awkwardly confessed. “Actually …”
“Are you serious?” Bucky asked surprised; without thinking it through he added. “I thought that … you and Peggy ….” He knew he had made a mistake the moment he said it.
Steve´s embarrassed frown turn into a mournful scowl. “ We … never had the chance.” In that instant, the elevator door opened. Steve walked out instantly as he told Bucky in a nonchalant tone. “This way.”
Bucky followed him silently; angry at himself for being so tactless. Once inside Steve’s room he tried to apologize. “I´m sorry Steve. I shouldn’t have mentioned her … it´s just … it´s still too strange for me … all those memories … all cramped inside my head … I know that they happened a long time ago; but nevertheless, they feel as if they had happened yesterday … I´m not making any sense.” He ended distraught.
Steve listened attentively before admitting. “I know how is that like Bucky … I´ve been there. It´s all right. Really. It´s nothing”
Bucky looked worryingly at him, knowing it had distraught him more than he was willing to admit. “Don´t lie to me Steve.”
Steve sighed disturbed as he sat on his bed. “Sometimes … I feel like everything happened yesterday too.” Bucky sat by his side worryingly eyeing Steve’s´ troubled expression. “First I lost you … and soon after that … I … I lost everything else. Everyone I knew and loved … gone … in a blink of an eye … everything was gone … forever.”
“I´m so sorry Steve.” Bucky offered with sincerity. It had been different for him; he had been oblivious, ignoring everything he had lost. He had seen the world evolve bit by bit when they took him out of hibernation for the missions; getting his past back, had been hurtful especially considering he thought he had killed Steve but even then, he hadn’t felt completely lost. He knew his place on the world, or at least he thought he had; vengeance it had given him purpose until he found Steve again. Steve´s sense of loss had been completely different.
“It wasn´t your fault …” Steve acknowledged with a guilty look in his eyes as he stared back at Bucky. “It was my fault … I was the one that lost you.”
“No, Steve! It wasn´t your fault.” Bucky spat shocked by Steve’s´ words. “We were at war … you did the best you could do … the best anyone could´ve done. I don´t blame you.” He tried to reassure him.
“No, it wasn’t enough. I wasn´t enough” Steve spat angry at himself. He didn’t have had to save everyone else, he just had had to save Bucky, why didn´t he?
“He´s been heartbroken for too long.” Loki´s words echoed in Bucky´s mind. That was what he was trying to tell him. “No Steve; don´t do that to yourself. You did all you could. You couldn’t have known …”
“But I do know now!” He screamed anguished as he stood up giving his back to him. “I do know … now.” He turned with a beseeching look in his teary eyes. “I know exactly what they did to you …” Dropping his gaze too ashamed to look Bucky in the eye he confessed. “He made a point of explaining it to me … step by step … while he …. tortured me … while he gloated … while he told me I was helping him do it to you again …” Bucky could see Steve shaking in anger; his fists clenched so tight his knuckles were turning white. When he opened his eyes again them Bucky´s heart sank; he´d never seen him that pained before; not even when he had stabbed him. “He was right …. I did this to you … I should´ve … I didn´t even look … I didn´t even tried … you must have hated me.” He dropped his head into his chest sobbing.
Bucky rushed to hug him as he reassured him. “No, Steve. I could never hate you. It doesn’t matter what he told you; it´s a lie. I never hated you, never, not for one instant.”
“I didn´t even mourned you …” Steve whined at the top of his lungs reproaching himself. He felt so guilty.
“It was war; we didn´t had time to mourn. Do you forget I lost friends too? I can´t blame you Steve. You only did what you had to do.” Bucky told him while holding Steve protectively to his chest. “Hydra …” He thought furiously; they had no right to do that to Steve. Using his good nature; his love for him, his guilt; to twist them to their own advantage. He should´ve known … that was the one thing they excelled at. Keeping all his fury at bay he heavily told him. “Neither of us can change what happened Steve. But, it´s all in the past now; you need to let go. I´m here with you know, that´s all that matters. And this time we can be together in a way it could never had been before …” He sighed closing his eyes painfully aware of Steve´s every sob. “Back then … I never even dare to dream that … I would be able to tell you how I truly feel about you. I want you to know that … if I had the choice I would go through everything again just for that chance.”
“You can´t possibly mean that.” Steve nodded in denial distraught. How could he possibly have meant it?
Bucky nodded in disbelief at his words. How could he still ignore how much he meant for him? “You know I would never lie to you Steve.” But he had, he had not only lied to Steve but to himself.
“You never … all those years … I thought you didn’t … all those women.” Steve rambled confused as he looked into Bucky´s eyes.
“I know.” Bucky admitted with a scowl; he was right, he had hidden it too well. “I was too scared of what could´ve happened to you if anyone ever found out … I even lied to myself.”
“I could’ve deal with it.” Steve mildly complained with a frown in his face. All that time … if he had only known.
“No Stevie.” Bucky disallowed him. “Four years in those prisons? I might have survived it; but you … you would´ve died in there. I just couldn´t risk it. I chose you to be safe, rather than with me. All we could be back then was friends. That was all we … all I could have … I forsake everything else. I was so caught up at hiding it I didn´t even realized you felt the same way.” He hadn’t been sure, not until Steve had kissed him back while under the water.
Steve frown grew deeper. He too had heard the rumors about what happened to people in those jails. There were endless tales of inmates taking their own life’s rather than serving their full-term sentences. It was that bad. “But … afterwards?”
Bucky gave him an amused smirk. “And risk giving Captain America a blue discharge? Do you think I would´ve even dared knowing that could happen? Besides … the men needed you, our country needed you … hell the whole world needed you. I´m couldn´t be that selfish.”
“But Bucky …” Steve protested once more.
“Yes, I know though man. You could´ve dealt with it … somehow.” Bucky smirked; it was so Steve. “That´s exactly why I never told you. I was afraid that if you somehow felt the same way …“He sighed. “I knew just what you would´ve done … and I couldn´t let you.”
“But … then … now what?” Steve asked trying to make sense of everything Bucky was telling him. He was still a public figure, and the world still needed him. Where did that left them? Would they have to hide … again?
“Things have changed a lot in 90 years … just look at Tony and Loki. Everyone knows about them; I don´t think they know just how lucky they are. They never had to hide it; they never had to fear being dragged in the middle of the night because of who they chose to be with.” Bucky told him.
“Not everyone thinks the same way … some still think … it´s unnatural.” Steve volunteered abashed; even if some things changed others remained the same.
“I know.” Bucky agreed. “I don’t care about what others might think anymore. I waited too long …. we waited too long.”
Steve nodded in agreement feeling hopeful. “Yes … we have.” He looked at Bucky with longing as he felt his heart thumping hard in his chest.
“Maybe … it´s time we stop waiting.” Bucky could feel his own heart beating quickly too as he reached for Steve’s´ mouth. He kissed him needingly, fiercely, unafraid. It wasn´t long till he heard a muffled moan from Steve. He bit him hungrily extracting an even louder moan. Grinning widely he twirl Steve making him stumble into the bed; it only took a small push to make Steve fall into it. He paused for an instant; taking a moment to look into Steve´s flustered face as he laid on his back expectantly; his nipples perking up under the tight shirt. Bucky ran his eyes through him; when they arrived at his crotch Bucky bit his own lip aroused, Steve was hard already. “A little eager …. aren´t we?”
Steve looked down catching a glimpse of his own cock straining against the fabric of his pants. “You made me wait for over a hundred years … what did you expected?”
Bucky couldn´t help to laugh. “Then I guess I´d better make up for that.” He climbed into the bed straddling Steve.
Steve gasped, he had never felt more aroused in all his life. “Bucky ..” He was interrupted by his own moan; Bucky had lifted his shirt and skillfully circled his navel with his tongue before travelling up to his sensitive nipples. Sucking hard on them Bucky could feel Steve´s back arching while feverish tried to get some friction to his still neglected shaft.
“Don´t be so eager …” Bucky whispered lustfully on his ear. “I´m going to fuck you until you can´t take it anymore … and then … I´m going to fuck you some more.”
“Dammit Bucky … stop …teasing me …” Steve reproached him between pants as Bucky nibbled on his ear. “Oh … fuck!” Steve exclaimed while Bucky grinned pleased, he had swiftly reached under Steve´s underwear without any warning. “You mean like that?” He playfully teased him as he gave him a small squeeze.
“You … jerk!” Steve spat, Bucky was only toying with him.
“Language Captain …” Bucky scolded him jokingly taking his time.
“Will you just …” Steve tried to admonish him, but he couldn´t even finish his sentence. Bucky had begun stroking his full-length, building a steady rhythm.
“Not a chance … punk … you are mine. I´ll play with you as long as I want. I´m planning to take my time exploring every inch of you.” He told him while Steve panted heavily. He wanted to memorize every muscle, every curve; to discover every sensitive spot and exploit them. He couldn´t take his mind from the fact that he would have to leave soon. He was going to miss Steve terribly, but he didn´t had a choice. He couldn´t risk hurting Steve ever again.
“Ah!” Steve writhed under him. “Ah … Bucky …” The urgency in Steve´s tone snapped him out of his thoughts. Suddenly he remembered; it was Steve´s first time … ever. He stopped for a moment looking at Steve´s flustered face; changing his tone for a softer one he asked. “Mmm, you like that don´t you? Can you take some more baby? I´ll make you feel so good …I promise.”
Steve opened his eyes, squinting at Bucky’s face as he tried to catch his breath. “Don´t … stop … please … don´t stop! Make me yours …”
“Steve …” Bucky volunteered with a satisfaction sigh. “I want you so much it hurts … I love you so much.”
“I love you too Bucky.” Steve answered full heartedly. “Now … could you … just … fuck me already?” He ended with a playful grin.
“At your orders, Captain.” Bucky jokingly answered more than ready to comply. Before Steve could react he skillfully unbuttoned Steve’s´ pants and yanked them down. Greedily he took all of Steve’s cock into his mouth.
“Fuck … fuck … fuck!” Steve panted unprepared for the new sensation Bucky´s warm mouth provoked on him.
Bucky had to take Steve´s cock out of his mouth for a moment; he just couldn´t help to laugh … some things had changed. He couldn´t remember Steve coursing that much. He admonished him jokingly. “If you keep swearing that much I’m just going to have to …” Steve interrupted him midsentence with a feverish kiss.
Bucky kissed him back fierce fully pinning Steve to the bed; hungrily he bit his neck. Steve whimpered; it hurt but at the same time it felt so arousing. Bucky kept biting and sucking delighted at the needy whimpering noises Steve was making. He bit him a little harder next time extracting a louder moan.
“You really like rough, don´t you?” He questioned him teasingly before sucking hard enough to leave a hickey rubbing his pelvis against Steve’s´.
“Yes … yes …” Steve panted; his dick trapped between their bodies getting the stimulation he had long craved for.
“I want to see you … all of you.” Bucky told him lustfully. “Let’s lose the clothes.” He tugged Steve´s shirt up revealing his naked torso. Suddenly he noticed two faint white lines he hadn’t seen before, tracing Steve´s abdomen and left side. He realized those were the places where he had stabbed him. Frowning he traced them delicately with the point of his fingers absentmindedly. Steve noticed his troubled expression and gingerly volunteered. “It wasn´t your fault.”
“I know …” Bucky agreed before looking up. “I´ll never allow something like this to happen ever again, you believe me; right?”
Steve smiled kindly. “I believe you.” He rose to kiss him. “It wasn´t you.”
“How can you forgive me that easily?” Bucky asked bewildered; not even a small hint of a reproach; none.
“Because I love you.” Steve offered plainly.
“Bucky smirked. “I love you too punk.”
Steve frowned at the once familiar pet name. “I think you can stop calling me that; don´t you?”
“What do you mean? You don’t like it? You never said anything before.” Bucky asked surprised by Steve´s words.
“No, it isn´t that … those nick names … jerk, punk … I don´t think I’ve realized before … but that´s not … they mean something else; don´t they?” Steve asked feeling unsure.
“Well …” Bucky admitted. “I couldn´t just call you darling, could I?”
“I guess not.” Steve giggled picturing the scene. “Not back then. But I wouldn´t mind you doing it now.” He blushed amused by his own suggestion.
Bucky laughed out loud; Steve´s smile warmed his heart. How could he had gone for long without telling him that? Down casting his gaze, he bit his lip nervously before telling him. “Umm … Steve. Now that we kind of made a pause I kind of need to tell you something …” Bucky scratched his nape nervously.
Steve sighed upset. “You’re leaving for deprogramming.”
“You knew?” Bucky spat surprised.
“I overheard you and Natasha talking … you both thought I was sleeping.” Steve admitted.
“I … I´m sorry Steve I know it´s too soon and I should´ve said something but … I just didn´t know how. Although … that´s not what I wanted to tell you.” Bucky volunteered between distraught and nervous.
Steve looked up at him slightly scared. “What then?” He questioned anxiously.
“I … well … I know it doesn´t look that way but … I´ve got no idea of what to do next. I mean … I kind of know … well, I saw some drawings but … that really doesn´t exactly cover the how part …” Bucky confessed worryingly, what if he did it the wrong way? Wouldn´t that hurt Steve? Steve opened his mouth unsure of what to say; he didn’t have a clue either. “Don´t you have a book or something we can look at for … I don´t know … get some pointers?” Looking at Steve frowning confused Bucky disregarded his last comment. “Forget it! It´s Steve Rogers I´m talking about! Of course, you don´t!”
Steve kept frowning in deep thinking. “We could always ask Tony … or Loki.” Bucky frowned at his suggestion; like he could felt comfortable doing that. “Or we could just try to figure it out on our own.” Those were really all their options.
Bucky sighed disgruntled as he laid next to Steve looking at the ceiling considering their options. “You knew about the deprogramming … why you didn´t said anything?” He asked suddenly.
“What could I say? That I didn´t wanted you to leave? I understand why you have to … I just … I´m going to miss you terribly.” Steve acknowledged sadly.
“That´s it” Bucky sprang out of bed decided. “I´m asking Tony”
“Wait! What?” Steve asked taken by surprise.
“We have barely two days before I leave. I´ll be dammed if I waste another second. “ He climbed back into bed to kiss Steve fervently pinning him down again. “I´m going to get us some instructions … darling. Now get some rest cause when I get back … you are not getting any.“ He teasingly gave Steve´s flaccid dick a not so gentle squeeze that made Steve gasp.
Before Steve could say anything, he was gone. He leaned on his elbows staring at his own cock. “Dammit Bucky … you …” He had left him more than half naked and horny. He sighed between amused and annoyed as he proceeded to get his trousers off him. Resigned he tuck himself under the covers; he´d better try to get some rest. Something told him Bucky wasn´t joking about what he was going to do when he got back. He smiled sheepishly … Bucky was coming back … no matter how long the deprogramming would take … Bucky was back in his life … for good … until the end of the line.