Irina visited Loki in the hospital to keep him company. She would arrive after sending her children to school and depart before they arrived home. This time she took the family photo album for Loki to see as he would be terribly bored.
-Look, here´s Alexey when he was young, and that´s Sergey and his wife Catherina, she died sometime after we got married – she explained to Loki with as much detail as possible where the photos had been taken and who was in them – here´s one of the wedding and this one of me while pregnant with Anya- suddenly Loki noticed and asked her – Why isn´t one of you being pregnant with Misha?- it seemed awful curious that there weren´t any of her being pregnant, or from the birth the earliest photos of Misha portrait him roughly as a three month old baby.
-That´s because he´s adopted- she replied.
Loki looked at her, he couldn´t believe what she had just said then she elaborated – We had tried having a child for a long time but we remained childless so Alexey and I decided to adopt Misha, that´s the photo of the day the adopting agency gave him to us, it was the happiest day of my life- she said as she remembered and her eyes sparked with the joy she felt in that instant – he was a beautiful baby.
-But if you couldn´t have children …-Irina interrupted him –Anya – she smiled – She´s our miracle baby, it just happened, I never thought it would, she gave us quite a scare though, we thought I was getting terribly ill cause we couldn´t believe that I was pregnant. The day the doctor told us I felt I couldn’t be happier.
Loki looked down as he remembered how things were between his brother and parents when he was young, he´d always felt out of place and wondered if Misha would ever feel like that. Without raising his eyes he asked Irina – Does he know?-
-Yes – Irina replied- He’s very smart he figured it out as you did even before Anya was born. I´ve got to confess I´m glad he did, we always debated about telling him and the right time to do it … you never seem to find it. I was scared about his reaction when we finally decided to tell him, but when he discovered and asked me he just said “Thank you mommy, I´m glad to be your son.” She said tears peeking at her eyes.
Loki felt his heart ache as he found himself homesick having heard Irina´s story.
Irina noticed his reaction then asked him a bit concerned –Vanyusha, are you ok?-
-I … – Loki started – I just … – he couldn´t finish his sentence as tears flooded his eyes.
Irina hold him –You do remember your family, don’t you?-
-Yes – Loki confessed as he let out a sob.
-What´s wrong honey? – Irina asked, she was still holding him.
-I … I … – Loki couldn´t find the right words.
Irina reassured him. -It´s ok, if you don’t want to talk about it, I understand, we´ll talk when you feel ready-
Loki wanted to talk about it, he needed to get it out, to voice out the pain he felt, but he couldn´t order his ideas – I do want to, I just don´t know how- he wailed as more sobs came to him.
-It´s ok, take your time. I´m here for you. – Irina said as she stroked his hair.
Irina reminded him so much to Frigga in that instant, it undone him – I was adopted too, I didn’t knew, when I discovered I was so angry – he hold Irina tight as his tears flowed freely.
-I always felt as I didn´t belonged, at that moment I knew why, it made me so furious, I did very foolish things that I now regret.
I was so angry, that they had lied to me all my life, they didn´t needed to, if they had trusted me I would´ve understood, why didn´t they? – He had to stop as his crying got louder.
-I´m sure they felt scared, I know I was. They didn’t wanted to hurt you, I´m sure they love you very dearly and that they would´ve given anything to avoid hurting you. Parent’s aren´t perfect, we wished to be, we wished we were never wrong and cause our children pain but even the most loving parents screw it from time to time. We can only hope to do our best and pray it will be enough, and hope you´ll find in your heart enough love to forgive us when we fail.
Let it out brathiska*, let the sadness in your heart out, you´ll feel better-
She held him until his sobs grew quieter then in a very motherly fashion wiped his tears with her hands – Feeling better?-
Loki nodded with his head still sniffling.
-Do you want us to look for your parents? – she asked staring at her eyes.
-No- Loki said as he moved his head in a negative movement – I can´t go back, I did too many bad things, they won´t … I´m not ready – he finished.
-It´s ok, you can stay with us until you´re ready no matter how long it takes – then added having read Loki´s eyes – and I´m sure they will take you back when you decide to return to them, You are a good man Vanyusha, your parents would be proud of you if they could see you – she finished embracing him again.
-Thank you – Loki meant it with all his heart.
*Little brother in Russian