When Loki went to Leah´s room that night to leave her another rose he found the letter she had written for him, he was surprised and doubted if he should take it, what could it say that they hadn´t said before, why prolonged their pain? But wasn´t that what he was doing? He resisted leaving her, he was so consumed with guilt he felt compelled to make it up to her somehow, even if that only meant leaving a rose for her every night. Whatever she had to say to him he wanted to know, even if it only meant more pain, he had to know.
Once back at his hideout Loki sat in an armchair holding the letter in his hands, he was still debating with himself about reading it or not, suddenly he toss it over the coffee table in front of him, got up and left to his room. A couple of minutes afterwards he returned for it, he growl in frustration as he picked it up and walk back to his bedroom.
-This is a bad idea. – He told himself as he unfolded the letter sitting down in his bed.
-“Loki, my love … really Leah?! –He raised his eyebrows amused, she´d never used that kind of pet name ever before. As he kept reading a wide range of emotions ran through his face, surprise, disbelief, guilt and suddenly joy, he stop reading for a moment as he let the idea sank in –“A daughter!”-, he got back to the letter; the emotions on his face kept changing anger, sadness and even glee at her final note. But over all of them reigned yearning, the kind of yearning that makes your heart ache and keeps it beating at the same time, the one you will only recognize if you ever loved in excess.
As he finished reading it he lay back on his bed thinking deeply as he stared at the ceiling, why did he still resisted the urge to go meet her, was there really no hope for them? She had practically begged him to be at her side when their daughter were to be born, and nothing would make him happier than grating her such request, then why didn´t he?
-“I don´t deserve her”- he thought as he closed his eyes –“I know she loves me, but why is beyond my comprehension, it would be on her best interest to forget me, even if by doing that she´d break my heart, I would deserve it. The weight of my sins have finally caught up with me, why can´t I make her understand that there is no happy ending with me.”
Then it hit him. –“I got to make her understand, and she just gave me a way. I got to write her back, but not tonight I´m too tired and I need to think, I don´t want to hurt her, I just want to … -he yawned, he was indeed exhausted”- to change her mind, to stop wishing what´ll never happen.”-
It was midday when he finally woke up, he´d slept with his clothes on, he drowsily walked to the bathroom to empty his bladder, as he washed his hands he took a look at himself in the mirror, at times like these he thought that the fact that he couldn´t grew a bear as a blessing, it would only add to his already shabby looking condition. –“I need to take a bath.”- He mentally told himself while he undressed.
As the warm water hit him he relished in it, the sound of the water drops was comforting somehow; for a peaceful moment he forgot everything and just concentrated on the calming sound as he bathed until his heart betrayed him reminding him of Leah, all through the months they’ve been apart his longing for her played tricks on his mind making him imagine her everywhere, right now he was absorbed picturing her bathing with him. Water running through her hair soaking it, her exposed neck as she leaned her head back as she washed her hair, water drops running through her chest travelling down her breasts and further down to …
-Stop it! – He shouted at himself irritated –How am I supposed to convince her …that I can´t be with her, when I can´t even convince myself? – He punched the bathroom wall in both anger and despair as tears rolled down his cheeks while he leaned into the wall he whispered –I just can´t stop loving her … I just can´t…-
He stayed there for the longest time leaving his tears getting washed by the water drops until he got his resolve back. –Enough of this! – He admonished himself –I´ve been too selfish, even if it means tearing my heart apart, I have to do what´s best for her, no matter what we both feel.-
Once he got dressed and had something to eat he sat at his desk decided to write Leah back, after an hour or so tenths of cramped paper balls surrounded the desk.
-Come on! I used to be good at this! Writing letters, politics, solving matters … come on Loki concentrate! – He sighed as he started writing once more.
At first I couldn’t decide if I should take your letter though I´m glad I did, there are too much matters that have gone unsaid between us that I think we should discuss.
I´ve been filled with guilt from the first instant I scry for you and found you on the operating table as your friends fought for your life; I had a bad feeling all morning that day but I kept pushing it back as my imagination. As I watched the only thing that was on my mind was being at your side, but I understood I couldn´t. My arrival would only had distracted them from their efforts to save you and our child, so I stayed watching, unable to do anything. I can´t help to imagine what could´ve happen if instead of being in the Avenger´s Tower you had been with me, you might not have survived it … and that thought alone terrifies me.
I won´t lie to you, I do love you and I do wish there was a way I could be at your side, though all my past misdeeds have made it impossible. I´m so sorry, but all of my past decisions are the ones tearing us apart. I can´t change who I am any more than I can change what I have done, even if I wanted to change I would never be able to undo all my wrongs. This is a burden I alone must carry, my only wish is to spare you and our baby girl from ever having to carry this weight.
You see? I want the same thing that you do, to give her a clean start, you are right she won´t have one neither in Asgard nor under the Avenger´s watch, and the only way I can help you making it happen is staying away. I won’t forget my promise of taking care of you both, if you ever are in danger I´ll come to your aid. It has become a bad habit you know, recuing my damsel in distress, mother would be proud though, she would indeed, I´ll be finally acting as a prince, and it is your fault, who would´ve thought that one good deed would set all of this in motion? I as you wouldn´t change what has happened, I wouldn´t trade one second with you for al the gold in the world, but even so, regardless my love for you I must let you go, villains don´t have happy endings my love, and I as you are no hero. I´m just a fool who thought power would bring me happiness, I too wish we had meet before on a different life, but that´s impossible and we both need to accept it.
Whenever I see you I see something precious, I´ve always had ever since the first instant our eyes meet, don´t sell yourself short baby, you are stronger than you know and smarter too, do you think I would fancy a weak dull woman? Of course not, I have high standards and you meet them all. You think I saved you, well I think the same thing about you; you resurrected my heart, I´d forgotten long ago how to use it, it was frozen and you defrost it.
I´m so glad to hear you loved the roses, but that’s all I can offer to you my love, along with my heartfelt apology, I´m so sorry I´ve failed you, I couldn´t keep you safe, it´s comforting to know you have such good friends who have your back, if you ever feel anything for any of them that goes beyond friendship please forget about me, you deserve happiness and regretfully I know it can’t be at my side.
I don´t know when we will meet again, but I promise if you still wish to that we haven´t seen each other for the last time, although I have to admit the last I saw of you was an exquisite sight, yes I´m incorrigible, and no, making clothes magically appearing on you never crossed my mind, it just didn´t so you can stay angry if you want I´m not apologizing for that.
About … what you asked of me, I do want to, but I don´t know how could I make it happen without putting you at risk. I won´t make you any promises, I don’t want to disappoint you, right now I don´t see how to make it possible but if I find a way I´ll be there with you holding your hand.
PS: I didn´t knew you liked the Princess Bride, and no, I´m not jealous. Just a little concern, of all of them he wouldn´t be my first choice, though I´ll admit he is quite a character.
-Why on earth I wrote that? It does sound like I´m jealous.- He stared at the letter for a moment twitching his lips –Well, maybe I am. Whatever, I´m not writing this again.- He placed his quill on his desk as he powder the letter dry and blew the excess dust before folding it and stuffing the envelope with it.
“To Leah” could be read over it in beautiful hand writing, when it was closed he pondered –“Should I´ve told her I can´t keep delivering her roses much longer? It´s draining too much of my energy, I might be able to go two more times at the most and then I´ll need to stop for a good while.- He sighed. –I´ll will tell her next time… I just hope there is a next time. Will she answer me back? Will she understand? Will she forgive me? Can I ever forgive myself?”-