Tony walked all the way down to the infirmary pensively. What could he say? That he was sorry? He really was, but somehow he doubted that it would be enough.
Finally, he arrived to Loki´s room. Nervously he raised his hand to knock on the door only to back it down quickly. He tried to do it again and ended pacing anxiously on the hallway for a couple of minutes trying to gather enough courage to walk in. Admonishing himself mentally, “This is ridiculous, just do it” swiftly he walked in.
When he did both Loki and Tony looked at each other startled by his entrance. Loki was the one that spoke first. “You finally decided to show up; I was beginning to wonder if you would.”
Tony squirmed uncomfortably, he already knew he wasn’t walking towards a warm welcome from the start. “I … I´m sorry.” He finally spat.
“For breaking my arm or my heart?” Loki asked wryly.
“Umh … both … I guess.” Tony admitted ashamed.
“You guess?” Loki asked annoyed.
“Come on Loki! You are not making this any easier.” Tony complained anguished.
“This is not supposed to be easy.” Loki told him harshly.
Tony sighed, he was right. “I´m not good at this sort of things, remember?”
“After all you have done you could at least try.” Loki reproached angrily.
“I know.” He admitted scratching his nape. “I´ve made a mess of things. I just … I didn´t … well, I still don´t know what to tell you.”
“That you don´t love me anymore. That should be easy.” Loki volunteered irked.
“I wish it was that easy.” Tony blurted out. “If I didn´t loved you anymore it wouldn´t hurt so much.”
Loki looked at him quizzically. So, did that meant he still loved him? Then … why? Sighing impatiently, he softened his tone and asked. “What hurts?”
“Everything. Being with you … being without you … knowing …” Tony tried to explain.
“Knowing what?” Loki asked hastily, all of Tony´s rambling was beginning to wear down his patience.
“That it was all my fault.” Tony finally confessed. “If I hadn´t allowed myself to get distracted …”
“What are you talking about?” Loki asked angrily. “I was the one distracting you!
“It wasn´t my first dance, I should´ve know better!” Tony raised his voice irked.
“Neither was mine!” Loki yelled at him in same vexed tone. “Do you forget who are you talking to?”
“You should´ve let me die!” Tony screamed at the top of his lungs in despair.
Loki looked at him too astonished to react; after a few seconds he asked incredulously. “What?”
“You should´ve let me die.” Tony repeated in a low tone while looking grimly to the ground. “You shouldn’t have saved me.”
Loki had never felt so rabidly angry at Tony before. “How you even dare to say that?”
“Because it is the truth.” Tony asseverated desperate. “If it wasn´t for me … he wouldn´t have …” He couldn´t even say it out loud.
“Raped me.” Loki ended his sentence venomously. “If we are finally going to talk about it; you could at least have the decency to say it out loud.”
“I can´t.” Tony acknowledged abashed as he nodded his head negatively.
“Coward!” Loki spat vexed.
Tony smiled wryly as he moved his head in approval. “You are finally figuring it out. Yes, I am weak and a coward.” Prodding at his own chest with both his hand he continued. “This is what you risked your life for. You deserve someone better, someone braver and stronger, someone who can protect you like Steve or your friends back in Asgard”
“I don´t want someone else.” Loki growled softly down casting his gaze.
“I know.” Tony scowled painfully. “That´s what makes it so hard. I really would like to be like that; but I´ not. “He acknowledged sorrowfully looking at his feet. “I don´t know how to be with you anymore; I really don´t know. As much as I try I can´t stop thinking about that day.”
“And you think I can?” Loki asked aggravated. “Do you think I can just forget what happened?”
“That´s not what I meant.” Tony tries to apologize knowing he’d just screwed it up.
“Then what did you meant?” Loki demanded exasperated.
“I´m just trying to tell you how I feel, I …” He walked timidly towards his bed. “I … I just …” He raised his hand with the intention, no the need to touch Loki´s cheek but stopped himself a few centimeters away. “I miss you so much.”
Loki tried to grab Tony´s hand and lead it the rest of its way to his face but Tony quickly retrieved. He looked frustrated. “I’m sorry … I don´t know if I´m strong enough.”
His sweet gesture followed by his negative and indecision left Loki confused and hurt. He frowned thinking of Tony´s word when the hurt turned into anger. “And who would know Tony? Who would know if you love me enough to help me get through this?”
“I´m sorry.” Tony nodded his head in denial, he didn´t felt he could. “It´s just too hard.”
“Too hard?” Loki couldn´t believe he actually had said it. Out of anger he snatched Tony´s wrist and pulled him near so they would be facing each other. “Do you want to know what hard is? How about being raped by someone you used to love? Someone who knows you so well … someone that knows exactly where your breaking points are. Someone who knows exactly what to do to terrify you … how´s that for hard?”
“Loki!” Tony tried to wriggle his wrist out of Loki´s grasp scared.
“And you know what the worst part is? That the one person you clung on to survive through it; that one person you strived to survive for … that person can´t even look you in the eyes afterwards because … it hurts too much!” He snarled at him through clenched teeth allowing all the anger he felt inside to surface.
“Loki, stop!” Tony shrieked in panic.
His scream snapped Loki out of his thoughts. The pain in his eyes, the fear … Loki let go of Tony´s wrist as quickly as he had grabbed it shocked.
Tony nursed his injured wrist appalled; he had never seen Loki that angry. He wished he could´ve taken all back. “I´m sorry.” He pleaded anguished. “Please, I want to try …”
Loki looked at him with a heavy heart. “Try, Tony? No. I can´t handle you just trying. I need to know. No, I want to know if I can trust you to be at my side no matter what. I´m sorry, but trying it´s just not good enough anymore.”
“Loki …” Tony tried to convince him.
“No, don´t say anything. I want you to think this through. You need to realize if you love me enough for us to get through this.” He calmly said while looking at Tony with sorrowful eyes. “I want you to figure out what you really want; but do it quickly before I take the decision for you.”
“What do you mean?” Tony asked frightened by his sudden calmness.
“You have your own thinking to do, and so do I.” Was Loki only answer. “I´m tired now, I´d like you to leave.”
“But …” Tony felt reluctant to leave.
“I won´t do anything foolish if that´s what you are concerned about.” Loki informed him. “I already promised Steve I wouldn´t. Please leave.”
“If that´s what you want.” Tony agreed defeated. Maybe Loki was right; trying wasn´t good enough anymore. He deserved better; now he had to figure out if he could give him what he deserved.